By Sara Utsugi
Finding forgiveness for the most broken version of myself, and through that--healing.
When my heart broke, I felt like I’d never make it out the other end. I didn’t know how to move on, and after spending months of constantly blaming and putting myself down, I was finally able to forgive myself. It was only when I stopped beating myself up that I began to bloom into who I am today. A little less than a year after my breakup, I wrote this letter to my broken hearted self. She was fragile, broken, scared, and uncertain. She had lost the sparkle in her eye and skip in her step, and this is the letter she needed to hear. So please enjoy my letter to the girl who was, from the girl who is.
To: The Girl Who Was,
I forgive you.
I forgive you for feeling broken. It sucks. I know. The feeling of loss is a powerful one. It consumes you and leaves you standing in foreign territory. It leaves you in a place you’ve never known before--a place that you never wanted to know. It leaves you hurt and broken; confused and overwhelmed. Even though you can’t imagine loving again, just know that you will be okay. Darling, it just gets better from here.
I forgive you for hurting. You were in love. You gave him your heart, your dreams, hopes, and fears. Over time he had become a part of you, and in your mind, your lives and futures were interwoven. When he was gone, it hurt more than anything, and it was messy because your fragile heart couldn’t process the loss. That’s not your fault. You did everything you could do. You said everything you could say. As Rupi Kaur said, “If you are broken and they have left you, do not question whether you were enough. The problem was you were so enough they were not able to carry it.”
I forgive you for not realizing your worth sooner. I’m just glad that eventually you did. You deserve a man who is going to treat you like a princess. You deserve a man who will love you so well that you’ll never fear losing him. There will be no fear, just love. I hope that your heart never stops believing he’s out there. That is what you are worth.
I forgive you for holding on. While you loved him and he loved you, that is in the past. He will always have a special place in your heart. Yes, he knew you well, but you’ve changed so much and so has he. It’s not something you did or didn’t do. The two of you simply drifted into separate lives. Every now and then you’ll look back on life when you were together, and you’ll smile because it was a good time--it’s a time that has come and gone, and that is okay.
But look at your life now. You are in a place that is better and brighter. It is full of love and support. Yes, you were hurt. Yes, tears were shed, but you are in such a good place. You get to explore yourself without the confines of a relationship. You get to show the world the badass you are. Go and live your life. You are loved, so don’t be afraid to love again. Don’t limit your opportunities. Open that fat heart of yours to everything this lifetime has to offer, and live.
I love you,
The Girl Who Is