By Sara Utsugi
An old journal entry from 2016 when I first began dipping my toe into the idea of forgiveness. Maybe it's time to let go.
A few years ago, I went through a breakup, and I had the hardest time finding even an inkling of forgiveness for my ex. I want to share a journal entry from 2 years ago. It marks the point in my healing when I finally realized that I needed to (more for myself and my own mental health than anything else) FORGIVE HIM.
So join me as we step back into 2016.
November 7, 2016:
"It has been 8 months and about a week since the break up. You’d think that by now I’d be fine. You’d think that I’d have forgiven him by now, but I am struggling. I don’t know what’s made it so hard for me to forgive him. Maybe it’s that I’m still trying to forgive myself, but I'm not sure that's the case. It feels like there’s a part of my heart that I still haven’t been able to break into. Like, I boxed up some of the hurt and buried it deep. I know there’s a reason that I’m still hurting, but I can’t put my finger on it.
Maybe it’s that I’m terrified to date again. The thought of getting into another relationship sends me into immediate panic. I don’t trust anyone with my heart, and I’m still shaken by the fact that someone who was so deeply embedded in my life could leave me and become an entirely different person. I’ve closed off a part of my heart. And that’s sad. I used to be the girl who loved openly, optimistically, deeply. But I’m scared to love again.
Maybe it’s this fear of love that keeps me holding onto him as if he was my one shot. But I don’t actually think I’m scared of love. I’m scared of being rejected again. I’m scared that I can’t be enough.Why was I not enough? Why did he leave? Why can’t I let him go?
Maybe I can’t let him go because I want to prove that I am enough. Maybe I still hold onto a frayed string of hope because I want to know that it wasn’t all for nothing. I want to know that I was enough, but our timing was just bad. I want to believe that he made a huge mistake...that this is all going to pass.
But maybe it’s time to forgive. Maybe it’s time to release. Yes, it’s time to release. Close the book. Put the pen down. Give it one last look. It was a good time. Forgive that time. Release that time. Kiss it goodbye. Open your heart and let it go...forgive him.
Release the fear. There’s no reason to be anxious. By being anxious, you’re living in the past. It’s time to wake up and live right now. So you were hurt. That was then. That was a completely different time. Right now is what matters. There is no need to fear. Look forward brave heart, and keep on going."
Welcome back to 2018. Sometimes when I look back at my journals, I can't believe how much I've grown and changed in 2 years. At the time, I did not by any means want to forgive. I was still very much broken. My heart was guarded, and my optimism was shattered. But I’m here to remind all of us that forgiveness is one of the first and most important steps to true healing. Holding on gives the situation power, and it’s only when we let go, that our hurt finally loses its grip on us.
I know it is so, so difficult to find any forgiveness for those who hurt us, but it's a helps to remember that you're doing it for yourself and your happiness. So honey, maybe it’s time to forgive, put down the pen and turn the page. It was only when I did that I was able to start looking forward rather than back.
As always, I’m wishing you the best from behind the screen.